The sleazy New York huckster who now occupies the White House has never encountered a situation where he couldn’t buy his way out. This has been true since birth. His father was a crook and a bully and a Klan member. His grandfather was a pimp, a crook, and a bully. They were flashy crooks, like Donald would become, so ego-fragile they felt compelled to display their wealth like cheap gangsters.

By the time he was ten, this privileged brat was already known by his schoolmates and neighbors as a bully, but also a defensive little prick who couldn’t admit he was wrong and went after anyone who tried to correct him. It got worse as he grew older, because as a youngster, unlike now as he suffers from Big Mac edema and general dissipation, he had these pale-faced “good looks” that assisted him in deceiving people and belied his true character as a vile, stupid bully who got his way using inherited money and intimidation. His disciplinary issues led even his creepy father to send young Donald to military school, where Donnie-boy could learn all he needs to know about being a toy-General.

By the time he was winning the Republican nomination for President, many people had identified Trump as a useful idiot, including Rush Limbaugh, Steve Bannon, and Vladimir Putin. Limbaugh now has an idiot with remarkable power who can shut down the government on his behalf (yes, this whole shutdown fiasco was provoked by the Bloviating Birdbrain of AM radio). Bannon, another crackpot, fantasizes his fascist coup from within and makes Trump his tool. Putin sees an opportunity to stick his thumb in the eye of America and make some foreign policy gains for Russian nationalists, and likely has pictures of Trump doing something . . . peculiar . . . with animals.

Now, the Democratic establishment has a useful idiot, too. I don’t like the Democratic establishment, but credit where credit is due, their long game strategy with Trump to deliver the death of a thousand cuts to Republicans, is working remarkably well. (They could overplay the shutdown gambit, time will tell)

The Mueller investigation cracked open the egg, and now other prosecutors are rushing in where none dared pass before — directly into the Trump organization, a seething cesspit of naked avarice, adolescent machismo, reptile-brained venality, and sheltered stupidity.

The latest rumor that Cohen will provide indictment-worthy evidence of suborning perjury and obstructing justice is producing a spike in McDonalds stock as Baboonus malignitatis comfort eats his way out of his funk and composes a fresh stream of raw sewage for his Baboon-worshiping groupies on Twitter. If there is one thing we have learned from the Trump presidency and the window it has opened on power, it’s that the rich — including his rich opposition — live in a different universe from the rest of us, far far away on the Planet of No Accountability.

The Cult of the Golden Baboon is Trump’s ace in the hole — that 37 percent of American voters who are utterly devoted to their simian deity, and whose ass-kissing devotion to Trump has exposed the craven cowardice of Republicans in office. Every time the Golden Baboon gets into a corner, he remobilizes his brainwashed cult with a crude tweet-storm; and they lap it up like obedient little dachshunds. Republicans slavishly kiss the Royal Red Baboon ass, too, and obey, obey, obey His Masturbtory Monkeyness. As the end-game approaches (excruciatingly slowly) and Trump is confronted with unwelcome visions of his own perp-walk, this base stands ready as his last ditch.

Or does it?

Trump does not care about anything except Trump. He’s a morally weak man, a slave to his own disordered desires, and a narcissist who requires a steady IV drip of attention to medicate away that subconscious awareness that his impoverished soul is an empty, windowless room that will be closed and forgotten when that last Big Mac stills his heart — and all that remains is a history joke, a caricature of stupidity in power.

Baboonus malignitatis will try to burn the world down to save his own red baboon ass.

When the warrants are being prepared, we can count on one thing: Trump will order his Cult to begin a civil war. I believe this. So, if I’m right, what does that mean?

Before I begin, let me say what it does not mean: that we need to prepare for civil war. Any actual preparation for war makes war that much more likely,for one. Trump calling for it doesn’t mean it will happen, and what we need to anticipate is what might actually happen.

While statistics tell us that Trump has 55–60 percent of the rural vote, statistics like this can be deceptive. We need to bear in mind that the rural population of the US is under 20 percent of the total. So, ten percent, mas o menos. Statistics lie by omission.

The two biggest predictors of Trump support in raw numbers are (1) white evangelicals who have weaponized Christ as the American war god and (2) white suburbanites who make decent money doing things that don’t require a graduate degree. There is substantial overlap. Suburbia and nationalist evangelicals emerged as two aspects of the selfsame historical process.

In our most feverish imaginings, the Cult of the Golden Baboon is a millions-strong army-in-waiting for the word of its master. The truth is that the Golden Baboon’s message is most greedily lapped up by white men who are desperately insecure and the white women who have hitched their wagons to these frightened little men . . . men who collect guns as compensation for their overwhelming fear of women, their grinding mediocrity, and their powerlessness.

Few of the women will be down with attacking Fort Sumter or whatever the present-day analog is for that. We’re down now to 18 percent.

Almost half of the men are too old to be the white guerrilla fighters of their puerile fantasies. Down to nine percent.

Of those remaining, half will be afraid to jeopardize their livelihoods . . . four and a half percent.

Of those, half again will get cold feet when a handful of sub-idiots issue Charlottesville-style fatwahs. Almost down to two percent, so there are still over two million, but they are spread over 3.8 million square miles and diluted.

Ever since Charlottesville, the white-right has been on its heels. Every subsequent attempt to stage-manage torch-wielding Nazi marches has been met with quick, agile, and effective resistance that outnumbered it on the street by about 100 to one. There will be no civil war.

What there likely will be is a spate of terror attacks like we’ve seen increase under Trump all along. Bitter men deranged by their own quest for masculinity will go after scapegoated groups or just rack up body counts for the pure macho hell of it. Then they’ll kill themselves, or be killed by cops, or go off to die in prisons filled with the same people they hated and helped put there.

The destruction of the Republican Party will be completed, the institution itself put on life support until someone finally has the good sense to pull the plug. And the grasping, malevolent cowardice of today’s Republican officeholders will be inscribed into history while their bodies lie moldering in the ground. Attende, Republicans!

And this will be the legacy of the Golden Baboon . . .

Author of the books “Hideous Dream,” “Full Spectrum Disorder,” “Borderline,” “Mammon’s Ecology,” “Tough Gynes,” and “Smitten Gate.”

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